It is Tuesday and the weight of the week seems to already be crushing me. Meetings, meetings, and more meetings, followed by two nights filled with conferences and another day of IEP's. I love my job, but even the best and most loved jobs have a dark side. Meetings and paperwork are my jobs dark side.
Last night, I had to tell a mother, that although I have discovered what challenges her child has, I can not fix them. She cried. I stayed strong in the moment, but the strain of her tears showed in my mood and actions the rest of the night. And then I felt guilty because that is her life, she has to watch her precious child struggle and know that she cannot fix what is wrong, while I go home to my own children and leave her to deal with her own problems. I have written about this child before. He weighs heavily on my mind day in and day out.
Then the guilt comes. While I spend hours helping other children, my own are at daycare being raised for eight hours a day by someone else. A wonderful woman, yes, but me she is not. By the time my school day is done, especially days like yesterday, there is little left over. My emotions are raw, and my patience is worn thin and all my children want is a little piece of me (or in this case a big piece of me because it was Monday night and Mondays are always hardest). Then the guilt comes.
Today, my post is gloomy and sad. I make no apologies for this. I am sad for the child with a profound learning disability. I am sad for the mother whose dreams are crushed and I am sad for me because I have not been giving my own children the best of me.